Powerful - Dedicated to all those who lost their battle and to all the Survivors

I am feeling very emotional right now...I just watched Wednesday night's So You Think You Can Dance show. The last song was perfomed by two of my favorite dancers on the show. This routine was so amazing, touching and powerful, it just blew my mind away!

The dance was interpretted as a woman dealing with breast cancer. As soon as I saw Melissa with her head wrapped in the scarf, a flood of emotions overtook my body, my mind, my soul. Immediately, the memories of the fight my mother-in-law put up for four years dealing with ovarian cancer, the memories of what we went through watching what this horrible disease was doing to her, hoping, praying that she would overcome, the fight she put up, so brave, so much strength. She was so amazingly strong, such an amazing woman. But in the end, we lost her. Gone but never forgotten. My heart still grieves for my son, for his loss of such an incredible grandmother. Alex was her life. He still grieves for her. My heart also grieves for my daughter who will never know her grandmother. How to portray to her what an amazing woman her grandmother was? I do think she knows...I believe she's already met her but damn...why?

Why? That seems to be the question, we've asked ourselves since hearing the diagnosis. We will never know God's plan. Why? Also a question I asked myself after watching my mother-in-law succumb to cancer and then dealing with both of my Grandmother's fight with cancer. After my mother-in-law passed away, my sister-in-law told me that her death will have a different meaning to all of us. There was a reason for each of us why she had to go so early. For me, I believe she had to go because I needed to prepare my son for the loss of his Grandmother in order to prepare myself for the loss of my own Grandmothers.

Watching this dance routine also made me think of two other family members specifically struck with breast cancer. A second cousin I really didn't have the privilege of knowing well but oh, how I remember her funeral. How wrong it was to lose someone so young. A mother burying her child. The loss of a sister. Then, the thought of how privileged I am to get to know her sister who is a breast cancer survivor. My heart aches because I can only imagine what she went through. I am sure she showed strength, courage and hope. She is truly an amazing woman! My prayers go up that all things remain good for her in her life.

No one should have to deal with this but for those who have fought and lost and for those who have fought and won -- you are my hero!!

Happy 5th Birthday Olivia!

July 15th, 2004 at 9:13 a.m. Olivia Mary Louise Morgan arrived in this world via C-section. She had the most perfect round little face! I was so excited to have a girl. She already had so many cute dresses and outfits hanging in her closet. I just couldn't wait to play dress up with her!! Mother and Daughter. How exciting!

As the months wore on, Olivia's personality emerged. I always tell people that her being breech was an early indiction for me that this little one was going to be independent and stubborn. No going by the book for her. But, oh, how I love her so!!

She really is my sweet Angel. We definitely knock heads -- especially since I will admit that I a stubborn, type A, independent girl myself! But Olivia really melts my heart. She loves to cuddle and I just love when she does. These moments, I cherish.

So today, I celebrate her...my baby girl! As she turns one whole hand! This morning, I gently woke Olivia by singing her Happy Birthday and giving lots of kisses. She wasn't ready to wake up but once Jimmy mentioned presents in the bed, she was up like a flash of lightning. I got her a t-shirt that says Little Miss Stubborn and the little face is yelling "No" - couldn't resist. I also got her a swimsuit cover up for her weekly swim lessons. Now on to the good stuff. I got her a Dora book -- lately she has really been into reading and wanting to learn what the words say. Then she opened the Barbie. This is no ordinary Barbie -- oh no -- this is Tattoo Barbie. Comes with tattoos for you and for Barbie! Olivia immediately wanted a tattoo on -- so I obliged. When we got home from school, she put about 6 others on her arm. What a hoot!

So we got ready for school and ran to Schnucks to get her a cookie cake. She couldn't wait to share with her friends. Later that night when we were snuggling in bed, we talked about her day. She got to wear a crown all day and they put a candle in her cake and she got to blow it out. She showed me how she did it. Soooo cute!

After dinner, we decided to take her for a birthday treat. She chose ice cream so we took her to Ted Drewes. She picked a chocolate dipped cone and needless to say, it was everywhere. But what a way to celebrate your birthday than covered in ice cream! During out ice cream eating, Auntie called to wish her a Happy Birthday. As soon as Olivia heard Auntie's voice she proudly proclaimed that she is 5 now!! How incredibly adorable. She told Auntie all about her day! Then she talked to Uncle Bryan. Priceless.

So needless to say, my baby girl has a great birthday. And, I've had great days ever since she came into my life! Such a joy! Can't wait for the birthday party next weekend -- Aunt Christine is making her a Barbie cake. She is going to love it!!!

Happy 5th Birthday Olivia! Love you to moon and back!!

Godspell

Last night I went to see one of my most favorite plays -- Godspell. It was playing at the Muny. The first time I saw Godspell was when I was a junior in high school. My high school put Godspell on for our spring musical. My drama teacher urged me to try out but I was too scared. After seeing the play, I was so disappointed in myself for not trying. I fell in love with it! Last night, Liz reminded me that her high school also put the play on and we went to see it together. I didn't remember that until she reminded me. Funny. But through the years, my love for this play never waivered. Godspell is also one of Jimmy's favorites. He had the pleasure of being surrounded by the theater growing up. Going to countless shows. Something that I truly love and would love to start as a tradition with my own kids as his parents did with him. So back to Godspell...we have the soundtrack and love to play it. So of course, it's only obvious that Alex would take a liking to it too. We each have our own favorite! I've always wanted to take Alex to see the play and Godspell isn't usually one that comes back year after year. So you can imagine how ecstatic I was to find that it was coming to the Muny this summer. I put my feelers out to everyone I knew regarding tickets. Then one day a few weeks ago, a mass e-mail went out to all the staff in my firm regarding 4 free tickets to the Muny to the first responder. When I checked to see what plays the tickets were for, I about jumped out of my seat. Godspell was listed as was another that I didn't care about. I immediately called the girl who sent the e-mail asking if she still had the Godspell tickets available. Woo Hoo! They were mine to come pick up!! I was so excited. I could not wait to tell Alex. I called Jimmy and he deflated my balloon a little saying he didn't think he was going to get to go because of all the All Star festivities. He figured he would be working and yep -- he worked. So of course, my first thought was Liz. We love to do things like this and I know the kids would enjoy having her come along. She freed up her schedule and was available to go -- woo hoo!!! So after finding out I won, I wrote a status update on my Facebook, shouting out to the world that I had scored tickets to Godspell. Cousin Lori inquired as to which night because she and Cousin Gayle have season tickets on Monday. OMG -- Monday night was the night on MY tickets too!! As the weeks wore on and the date drew closer, Cousin Lori mentioned that her and Angela and Gayle and Gayle's date usually go to dinner before the Muny. Oooh...dinner and the theater so sophisticated -- so fun!!! Lori said Angela was wanting Helen's wings and anyone who knows me knows that Helen's wings are my all time fav!! I can have those anytime, anyplace -- ok well the place to have them is Helen's but you get my drift...I love Helen's wings. I love them so much that my Dad came up with a recipe and will make them for me on special occassions. Love that and him. Ok, got off the subject...so anyway, Lori asked if we wanted to meet for dinner at Helen's before the Muny. You know it...I was so pysched...Helen's wings and Godspell....my life is complete!!! The only wrench thrown in the fire was Alex's allergic reaction. The doctor indicated no outside activities for him. But when I spoke with her on Saturday I indicated we had Muny tickets and could he go. She said "yes". Woo Hoo...bring back the excitement!! On Saturday we shopped for battery-powered fans because Dr. said he had to stay cool and not sweat. Bought two cheap $1.50 fans and wouldn't you know it they both fell apart before the batteries were even inserted. Oh well...he could use the book to fan himself.

So yesterday, I could not contain my excitement. The end of the work day could not get here fast enough...finally....ding, ding, ding, the bell has rung and the day is through. Now there really is no bell but I thought you might like the effect. I rush to pick Olivia up from school. Not a good sign as I drive up and she runs away to hide in a jungle gym. She really does love school and some days is just not ready to go home. After a little coaxing, she is ready. As we walk to the car, I remind her we are going to pick up Auntie and Alex and go see a play. Run home, pick up Alex and change my clothes. We are on a role...almost on time...meeting cousins at 6. Then I find out Cousin Gayle has asked Deb Do to be her date. Yippee! So excited. I pick up Liz and we get to Helen's to find we are in this little private room. So excited. Lori and Angela and Deb Do are there waiting for us. In our room was this huge Clydesdale. Olivia spots it immediately..but seriously you couldn't miss it. So knowing Olivia's love for horses, Deb Do tells her she can get on it. WHAT? Are you kidding me...don't tell her that she will think you are serious! So we waited for Gayle to get there. I couldn't wait to see my favorite Dirty Dancing Partner. It's so funny how that all started and that story is for another blog since this one is ALL about GODSPELL! YAY!! Gayle arrives! So we ordered our food -- got me my wings but my stomach was bothering me so I didn't eat many. Alex ordered the wings too but only ate 1 and a half claiming they were too spicy...woo hoo, more for Mama!!! During this time, Lori brought out her camera. Ugh! Ok, it was fine...well Olivia loves taking pictures so she asked if she could take a picture of the horse. Well that turned into a bunch of other pictures. She just kept going around snapping photos. We successfully returned the camera to its rightful owner and finished dinner. Off to the Muny! Woo Hoo! I followed Lori since she is the Muny expert on where to park, etc. Her parting words to me were "keep up if you can". I thought she meant literally. Seriously we did the speed limit in the slow lane! OK so she said she was setting an example for her daughter...ok, wink, wink, we get ya!! We got to the Muny with a few minutes to spare so Lori took the infamous Muny pics. Then, Olivia got the camera back again somehow and decided to take more pictures. Are you kidding me? Guess that girl knows who she is dealing with -- one who loves to take pictures herself. So off to our seats. My tickets were for Section A-7 -- the section after the boxes. Pretty good seats -- they were to the side but OK. The Cousin's season tickets are in the B section -- so we said our good-byes and parted ways singing "Day by Day", "Day by Day". The show started after a few minutes of arriving in our seats. Of course, once the play started Alex started in with he couldn't see. I guess this boy thinks that all views in a theater are unobstructed. So I picked up Olivia and put her in my lap and he moved to her seat. She loved seeing all the kids on stage and the play really did keep her interest. But she quickly left my lap and headed for Auntie's. I loved seeing Alex get into his favorite songs. How blessed I was to have gotten these tickets for free and be able to share them with him. We really enjoyed the show. I shed a tear or two, Ok, maybe ten or twenty but only during the part that always tears me up. The part where the disciples are telling Jesus their good-bye's and giving him hugs. When I see this, it makes me think of how awesome it would be to have that moment in your life to tell the person you love one last good-bye. How I would have loved to have given my mother-in-law, my Grandma's, my Grandpa's just one last, conscious, tight, tight hug or Eeeennnnaaa! before saying good-bye forever! (Yes, I believe you should do these things daily but to have that last moment before never seeing them again is what I am refering to.) OK, , so that was my crying moment as it is every time I see that play. So yeah, loved this play! Olivia even got the premise when they were putting "Jesus on the cross". She told Auntie Jesus was going to die. So glad to know that this Catholic education I am paying for is doing good! So needless to say, we had a great night. The weather was perfect. Alex didn't even need a fan. After the show, we walked to the car and all chatted a minute...of course, we laughed and laughed. That's the one thing I love about the people I spent last night with...they always make me laugh. Something I love to do! Thank you to the attorney in my office who gave up his tickets so I could make some memories with my family! Love that and LOVE GODSPELL!

Emotions

So I watched the Michael Jackson Memorial tonight and as I watched I pondered on my own life. While I have not done extragavent, paving the way kinds of things, I wonder if when I am gone people will feel...really feel for me. Have I made enough of an impression on people's lives that I will always be remembered or am I someone just standing in a crowd? As I live my day to day life, I always think "what will my kids remember most about me and about growing up". I hope they are happy.

Have you ever seen someone - possibly even met briefly and you felt in that instant that you would really love to get to know them better or just think they are a neat person and would love to have them as a friend. To know them on a regular basis? I feel that emotion all too often. I wonder if someone ever feels that way about me. Do I get thought of by someone and just not know it? I consider myself an introvert with extrovert tendancies. I thrive on being with other extroverts who can bring me out of my shell. Most of the time I think I sound stupid and don't know what to say because I worry too much about what that person is thinking of me. So usually I don't say anything. Why? Why should it matter? I don't know. I hate when I feel this way. I hate always feeling so much emotion. I feel like I need a barrier up to protect me from getting hurt. It's these uncertainties in life that just get the better of me.

Peace and happiness. Find me. I think it only appropriate to say the Serenity Prayer here. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

I apologize to my readers for such a downer blog...but after all, it is my blog and these are my thoughts. I felt the need to put them down on paper. Sorry.